Having a nice long holiday has given me a chance to reflect on the last few years of my life and seek out some further information in areas I'd like to grow.
It would be fair to say that I grew up in a family devoid of the ability to apologise effectively, so I'd like to learn how to say sorry properly, and also receive apologies gracefully!
I have found this passage below very helpful, and I think there are many many people out there who could make use of this advice so our world is a more peaceful place.
Adapted from: Choosing Happiness by Stephanie Dowrick
A genuine apology is a powerful thing. it affects both the person giving it and the person receiving it, making way for healing and moving on as nothing else can.
Here's how to do it.
Look at the person and say 'I am sorry to have hurt you.'
Do not convey through your body language or tone of voice that you are not really sorry; that you resent apologising, or that you may be apologising but you will soon repeat the wrong.
An apology carries weight only when it is not forces, when you believe it and you also believe you have learned something and will not do again whatever caused hurt or harm.
An apology needs to be clean, short, simple and genuine. And it needs to be supported by a change in insight and behaviour.
There may be times when someone is clearly hurt by something you have done or that they believe you have done - but you know that they misread you or your good intentions.
It may be, for example, that your best friend is hurt because when she told you about her promotion you paid very little attention and went on to talk about something else. You were careless, but not deliberately hurtful.
Breakdowns in good communication happen frequently. protesting about someone else's reaction, telling them that they 'have no reason to be hurt', getting irritated because they are hurt, is never helpful.
It is possible to say, very simply, 'I am so sorry that you are upset,' without taking pon apprpriate guilt or shame. You may also want to add 'That certainly wasn't my intention,' but the crucial point is that you acknowledge the hurt, and express your concern that they are hurt, without attacking them or going into elaborate self-justifying.
And when someone apologises to you?
Accept it gracefully and gratefully. Do not ask yourself whether you need to go on sulking for another week, or whether you can make them suffer as much as you have.
If someone is routinely apologising without changing their behaviour this is a relationship issue and needs urgent attention.
Apologies - given or received - weave their magic only when they bring a little wisdom and are accompanied by changed action as well as insight.
